It won’t always feel this way

Happy 5th Anniversary

Five years ago this week, I had two neck vertebrae fused, and then facial reconstruction, following my latest adventures in almost-dying. Months later, as soon as I was able to go back to work, I was fired. Those months in 2021 were the last time I was suicidal. (See below, with the full story in Losing My Religions; free to subscribers. Note: the whole book isn’t this depressing! One review.)

I still have neck and upper-back pain, as well as hand pain (especially my left hand). I’m still on Pregabalin (a nerve medicine like Gabapentin) and probably always will be. But to emphasize the post script below, life did go from being horrific to fantastic. Bad things can become (secular) blessings. Indeed, despite chronic pain and no external job, from May 2022 to today has probably been the best multi-year stretch of my life. (!)

Things can get better.

Blogged August 2021:

While sick with Crohn’s on January 20th, I passed out and fell. I fractured my eye socket, busted my nose, broke my cheekbones from one side of my face to the other, and fractured both my upper and lower jaw. The force of the impact also fractured vertebrae in my upper spine. After an interminable stay in the hospital (alone, due to covid), spinal fusion, and facial reconstruction, my jaw was wired shut for four weeks. I was also in a huge cervical brace [“cone of shame”] for months. I am still in the process of having my mouth repaired. [That cost five-figures - yay for the American healthcare system!]

In addition to the face, mouth, and neck pain, I have had neuropathic “referred pain” in my hands since the accident. This pain – especially in the left hand – has caused the most severe suffering. Which is … weird; of all the actual injuries, it is my uninjured hands that hurt the worst. Since it is my damaged spine telling my brain that my hands hurt, normal pain medicines don’t really help. The maximum dose of nerve drugs like gabapentin [changed to pregabalin] helps some, although I can’t really tell until I try to lower the dose. Then: Yikes!

Following months on disability, I went back to my job at xxx full time in May. In June, I was told my employment was terminated. So after nearly four years in what I thought would be my last position ever, I was out a job, ending my ability to advance xxx’s mission [to help animals], secure health insurance, and what I had mistakenly considered my deepest and most defining male friendship. All this while dealing with severe chronic pain.

Now I’m focusing on One Step for Animals. I continue to do hours of physical therapy every day, including using a TENS unit, which I recommend for anyone with pain.

Until now, I have not planned to talk publicly about any of this. The same had been true of the previous time I almost died. I didn’t want anyone to suffer from my suffering when there was little to nothing they could do to help me or Anne. I know several of my friends are dealing with a lot in their own lives – deaths, divorce, family restructuring. I didn’t want to add to their suffering.

At this point, though, I think it is better that everyone knows about my current health status and termination, in part so no one ever mentions that organization to me ever again.

I also don’t want anyone to think I’m holding things back. To everyone I didn’t keep in the loop about this from the beginning, I truly apologize.

PS:

I’m inserting this photo because one of the ways of dealing with devastating tragedies and great suffering is to remember that things won’t always feel as they do now. Times have been good and will be good again.

Thanks to everyone for your friendship and support. I appreciate you more than I can say.